I fought myself again. I caught myself wishing for the worst.
It doesn't really matter how happy you get, you will always want to do it. You'll always want sabotage.
Sometimes I blame God. Other times I remember that God is probably just the self-awareness I possess sitting in the back of my mind. That guilty feeling that always overcomes me when I'm doing stuff my parents said was wrong is really just me noticing it.
But if God is just my self-awareness, to whom am I smiling when I'm driving in perfect summer weather or when I sing words full of truth and beauty as loudly as I can? Surely not to my self-awareness.
Maybe part of the essence of life is constantly relinquishing your own power to someone else ... even if it does turn out to be yourself in the end. Maybe I wanna give this sense of self-destruction to someone else so they can fix it for me.
That's pretty selfish. But God and I are often pretty selfish.
2 comments:
Sometimes I think God is just the back of my mind also. But then I get up earlier than normal, and see the mountains as I drive west with the sun reflecting on the snow from the east, and I get a little chill and feel like singing.
That is not the back of my mind.
Agreed. That's exactly what I was trying to express. But, at the same time, I wonder if I am praising my parents because of the view of God they instilled. I am one of those who believe that in all likelihood God isn't actually a being, but rather a paradox. I really don't even know what God is ... I just know that I believe in God.
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